BMW M5

Economy. Fairly soon that word will become the most used word in the English language. If it isn't being used to describe the state of our country's finances it is being used as a marketing term by some manufacturer to convince us their product is the most economical. Nowhere is this more prevalent than within the car industry. Manufacturers have to be seen to be making cars that are both kind to the environment and kind to your wallet. This is great, I don't want the world's climate to change, I think it's pretty good as it is. I also don't want to be wasting my money, but that is where I see a huge issue. Cars centred around economy are inherently crap. Detuned, small engined, low powered tiny little shit boxes designed to get you from the door of your house (that's probably made from animal faeces, because Kevin McCloud told you there is no better insulation) to the nearest vegan health food shop on only a thimble of fuel. That journey, no matter how cheap will have taken you longer than necessary and will have been incredibly dull. 

When I drive anywhere in my car; through a town, to work on a B road or even down the M1 at an average speed of 50mph, it is immensely enjoyable. That is the reason why I drive a very economical car. It may well only do 14mpg, cost a fortune in parts and take up a lot of my valuable time, but because the fact I get to places as almost a by-product of having fun, journey costs are insignificant. Ok, I know that not everyone's idea of exhilarating fun is driving and so spending all their money on fuel and car parts just to run a hugely impractical classic car isn't for everyone. But the basis of the theory can apply to everyone. If you chose a car that is miserable to be in and disastrous to drive, every penny spent on fuel and every second passed while delivering you to your destination, rather than putting a smile on your face, would be a waste. When you buy a car, how happy it will make you feel and how much enjoyment you get from driving it should be the key factor. What I am proposing is a new system in which cars are measured in (hold tight for big pun/cliche combo): smiles per gallon rather than miles per gallon.

Can you have both? Can you have a car that is fun to drive and economical? BMW's new M5 almost does an impressive 30mpg, so it doesn't even have to work very hard at being fun. Fortunately, the ladies and gents at BMW's M division didn't get my memo and went to town with all the fun, sporty goodies.

BMW do make a rod for their own back with the M5. They constantly impress and surprise us with the agility, poise and power of their common or garden saloons, SUVs and even their diesels for God's sake. So the expectations we have for their M cars is huge. We expect the M5 to be so good that it actually alters not just our perception of saloon cars but cars themselves. No. Not just cars, reality and everything we know about physics. Obviously the M5 doesn't do the latter but it really does move the goal posts for what we expect from a big, fast saloon car. The power and torque of the new M5 is so vast that at any speed, with any revs, in any gear it accelerates with no hesitation and an unrelenting brutality. This huge amount of torque is partly down to it being turbocharged, a first for an M5. I'm afraid that's where the praise for forced induction in the M5 ends. The turbos are to blame for the controversial speaker assisted synthetic sound in the cabin. Which doesn't sound like a V8 but, doesn't sound like anything else either. It is just a noise, a vaguely pleasant one but nothing that would make your spine tingle. The  engine noise is not the only odd sound the car makes; on overrun, there is a slight burble from the exhaust. Popping and banging from the exhaust on overrun is always a pleasure but the noise the M5 makes from when your are in the cabin is more akin to driving over a rumble strip than a healthy bit of a bang and crackle. This rumble occurs so unerringly consistently, it never changes in tone or volume and you begin to suspect that it too has been created in BMW's lab with that engine note.

The M5, rather unsurprisingly, drives wonderfully. It might not be that exciting to talk about but, the ride and comfort is exceptional when in its least sporty settings. The double clutch gearbox is so smooth and has all the elegance and nonchalance of a full-on auto. What happens then, when you sod comfort and turn everything up to 11? The huge physical proportions and enormous weight are almost forgotten about. The phenomenal amounts of power overcome the weight when accelerating but the vast amounts of grip, particularly front end, mean you can have the car darting around like it's a sub-ton racer. It will understeer if you do go into a corner too hot, but what car doesn't. If you've got the traction control on its safest position, combatting that understeer with the colossal reserves of power is difficult and the antithesis of what an M5 should be about; bags of oversteer and smoking rear tyres. Fortunately, that massive power is enough to overcome the rear wheels when the traction control is either off, or in its intermediate setting. The car feels much more alive, competent and involving when not in full health and safety mode.

The gearbox deserves another mention. I fundamentally dislike paddle shifts. Yes, they remove you even further from the driving experience. You become so detached from the experience and expect an instant response with such minimal input you start requesting it to do ludicrous things. You flick the paddles with gay abandon, asking the car to change down to 2nd gear while you're doing 80mph, and the car refuses to comply with your frankly ridiculous request. You then become frustrated because of the delay, blame it on the "stupid fucking flappy paddles" until you finally realise you're being a douche bag. All that is swiftly forgotten and as you approach the next hairpin the same process starts again. It is the same with all paddle shifts, but what's specifically wrong with the M5's are that the paddles are too sensitive. On track, I found my self accidentally changing up. That was infuriating. Never in a manual car have I ever accidentally, just because of the way I was holding the wheel, changed gear. Despite all that, I think the gear box is appropriate for the car. Yes, I would have preferred a manual but as the M5 is such a competent cruiser and autobahn monster the paddle operated manual is almost perfect. It's not really a track toy, nor is it going to be the perfect car for setting your hair alight on a b-road. A manual would make it more engaging in those situations but that's not to say this double-clutch paddle-shift system doesn't competently change gear, it does. Much more competently than I could.

The M5 is almost perfect. As impressive as it is and as satisfying as it would be to own, it falls short on a subject not often broached in road tests. Style. It's a subject probably given a wide berth because a) it's very subjective and b) most motoring publications and journalists don't have style at the forefront of their minds (I think I navigated that quite well without offending anyone). Here though at The Idealist we wear our style on our well pressed sleeve and if you are reading this, you may well consider your taste to be similar to ours. So, I think we are on safe ground to be discussing style. The M5 is not a particularly stylish car. Why? Well for starters the test car's interior (not the one photographed) was a shade of bluey grey that I thought could only be achieved by leaving a blue sock in a whites only wash. Now, I know you don't have to choose this option but the fact it exists makes me wonder where the styling department have been looking for inspiration. Then we get to the exterior. A car of this sort (an expensive, luxury, devastatingly quick saloon) should look menacing and purposeful but in an understated way. There should be no overtly racey additions to the outside, the wheel-arches should be just large enough to house the wider wheels, additional vents and scoops should be subtle and functional. The first 3 M5s did these things well and they are stylish cars, (sorry to go a bit geeky but) the E39 M5 is one of the meanest and coolest looking cars ever. Instead this new M5, like its immediate predecessor, flashes its M-sport blue coloured brake callipers, exposes its quad exhaust pipes like a baboon displays its rear and shouts about it's performance tweaks. That's even without the ludicrous looking 20 inch wheel option, they only add to the gratuitous display of it's brakes.

What is so wrong with all these relatively superficial exterior performance upgrades is that they are at odds with the car's intentions. If it were a street brawling race car for the road, with a stripped out interior and a cage a la Porsche 911 GT3 RS and RenaultSport Megane R26R then they would seem appropriate. But in a comfortable, practical yet incredibly fast and capable 4-door saloon car they only serve to make a mockery of what's going on underneath. You assume the performance and speed will be as superfluous as the side air vent, which I was informed was only there to frame the side indicator repeater. There is nothing more stylish than self assurance and feeling comfortable with yourself; the M5 seems confused. It is an excellent car and if I had a rating system for my new smiles per gallon it would score highly. I just wish it looked more like the super-economical diesel 5-series.

Photos by Max Earey