VW UP!

So already two road tests in and I am about to make a massive contradiction. In my M5 review I berated small eco cars for their lack of power and their inability to excite a driver. I have since been proved wrong by the car you see pictured. The Volkswagen up!.

Before I get to the up! I want to try and claw back a bit of respect and look like less of a hypocrite. I'm going to do this, probably unsuccessfully, by modifying my argument about small cars and making it about mid-sized, mid-priced, middle-of-the-road cars. They are the ones that are devoid of excitement and interest. I am basing this on the new beetle! — I'm being indignant, it's just 'Beetle'. For as long as VW choose to have silly grammar instilled within the names of their cars like they have with the up!, meaning I have to dispense with everything I know about punctuation, I will take the piss. At the launch of the up! there were a few New Beetles to drive, so I took the opportunity to have a blast in the most powerful, manual model they had; knowing that would be the most exciting on offer. God only knows what would have happened if I had taken out the DSG model or the 105PS version; a Beetle induced coma no doubt. Its 1.4 Turbo engine, although not completely gutless, felt numb and disconnected. Its steering worked, but that's as complementary as I'm willing to be, and the suspension and ride kept me sufficiently comfortable without the car falling over. The Beetle feels and drives like a car, that is it. It delivers nothing more than you would expect but doesn't overtly disappoint. This overwhelming mediocrity is magnified by the crass, exuberant nature of the interior and exterior styling. VW has overcompensated for the uninspiring drive by making a car that is equal parts Florida chintz, Liverpool tanning salon and, even though it is European, a Chinese-esque faux European feel. A combination of some of the least tasteful facets of world cultures, it leaves the driver in a malaise, never have I cared so little for what people thought of me than when behind the wheel of the Beetle. To the extent where I picked my nose in plain view of other motorists and pedestrians because I knew their opinion of me couldn't get any lower.

So, finally, onto the up!. It is a city car, so naturally I aimed as far away from any built up areas as I could and tested it on some country back-roads. VW might think they will sell this car to young professionals with inner city London flats and jobs in Shoreditch design agencies but, in reality, the main customer base will be young people; people below 19. And people of that age live all over the place, or so I've heard. If you're young and you want to buy a car you might actually be able to insure for less than £1million that isn't too girly, you're buggered. What are you going to buy? A Ford Ka? A Toyota Yaris? A Fiat 500? A Kia Picanto? No, definitely not a Kia because I assume you have a modicum of self respect. The Renault Twingo and Suzuki Swift are probably the only sub 2 insurance group cars that aren't completely, gut wrenchingly embarrassing. Until now, thanks to the up!. Not only does it manage to be small without looking too feminine and attractive without being retro (ignore the wheels in the car in the photos, other less shit ones are available). What's more, the car is unsophisticated enough for you to feel like you're still driving. Thanks to skinny, fuel save tyres the steering doesn't have to be overly assisted to be light and so gives some real feedback. It might be woefully underpowered but the suspension is competent enough so that despite the rubbish tyres, you can really chuck the car about confidently. What is nice about small, basic cars is that they generally come with a lot less useless bits of 'technology' than some mid range cars do. Who on earth needs auto park? External cameras? A TV? Keyless entry? It'll have windows so parking sensors aren't needed. Come to think of it, unless you're travelling hundreds of miles to different destinations every time you get behind the wheel you could probably live without a SatNav too. I would go as far as to say a radio wasn't really necessary, if you've done the decent thing and bought a car that sounds proper, you don't need any other sounds. I will allow them for now. The up! can be specced up with all sorts of useless crap that will make the car heavier and therefore less fuel efficient and less fun to drive. The most ludicrous is called city brake, or something. No, it doesn't come with a romantic trip for two to Paris or Rome; what you get is a device that performs an emergency stop if the car detects something in front of you… if you're traveling below 19mph and you don't do anything to stop the car yourself. I tested it and it worked. It was actually quite impressive, but it could cost you between £200 and £400. Probably cheaper than your excess if you're 19, so it does sound like relatively good value. If you do go for the city brake you have to have ESP which is an option on the lower models. The big problem with this is, ESP isn't optional when it's installed. You can't turn it off.

Now for the best bit of the up!, and what I think is its biggest selling point. The noise. At full throttle at about 4,000rpm the little all-alloy, 3 cylinder, 1.0 litre, naturally aspirated engine sounds excellent. Reminiscent of the mechanical growl you get from an air-cooled 911, I kid you not! Ok, it's not exactly the same but it is still a nice noise. It loses a little bit of its character as you rev it more, but still sounds far more exciting than you would ever have expected from a car like this. It was a warm day so I had the window open which made the engine noise more noticeable but, if you don't go for the heavy, power draining, unnecessary air conditioning, that's how you'll keep cool anyway. The sound really is what makes this car so great and what will make it, in 5 years time when it is really cheap, the only credible option for a first car.